We knew that our live Q&A with amicable founder Kate Daly would be a popular one. After all, divorce is regularly cited as one of the most stressful events a person can go through in their lifetime and can be a seriously bamboozling and overwhelming time even if you're on good terms with your ex. For many couples, it’s also an event that happens in midlife — which, as we all know, is already a time when an awful lot is going on!
At amicable, the legal service for separating couples, Kate hears divorce dilemmas every day — from how to tell the kids to how to split the finances. She’s also navigated two divorces herself and is a qualified relationship counsellor and host of The Divorce Podcast, recently a finalist in the British Podcast Awards.
To celebrate the publication this week of her book amicable divorce: Your practical guide to divorce without the drama, Kate joined the Second Act community for a live Q&A session. Over the hour, Kate covered a lot of ground, sharing valuable insights on everything from the legal process to emotional boundaries and why, for some families, separation is actually the kindest path. For more details from the full discussion, you can view the original Q&A here as it happened.
But here are a few of the most valuable learnings from the conversation.
Kate’s 4 golden rules for keeping things as amicable as possible
When asked by Josie for the golden rules for an amicable divorce, Kate offered a succinct guide to managing the emotional imbalance that separation creates:
1. Timing is everything.
If you are the instigator you have been thinking about this for a while - you have come to terms with your decision on some level. If your partner is hearing the news for the first time - they will be in a completely different emotional place in the journey - Give them TIME to adjust to the news.
2. It's often quoted but true - communication is everything!
Now more than ever you need to up your game - when people feel cornered, threatened or are being made to make a decision that is not theirs, the ground is fertile for mis-communication. You may have to repeat conversations several times. You may need to break them down into specific smaller topics - but long rambling allnighters are not the way to go here.
3. Emotional control is your super-power at this time.
If, like me it's not a 'natural' talent then learn, practice and improve with a professional if you can afford it - or using an AI tool to help you practice responses and challenge your thinking can be a cost effective tool.
4. Set and hold boundaries.
Being clear on what is acceptable behaviour and disengaging (not admonishing or telling someone what you are 'not going to do') can be a real life saver and help you stay calm and feel safe.
Prioritising the kids: Separation is kinder than conflict
Rebecca shared that her traditional family thinks she should stay married for the sake of her 12-year-old son. Kate said that while this sentiment usually comes from a good place, evidence shows it does not always benefit children the most:
What really makes the difference for children isn’t whether parents stay together, but how the situation is handled. Research shows that children in high-conflict homes can actually do better after separation than if their parents stay together in that environment. And when parents are able to separate in a low-conflict, child-focused way, the impact on children is much less.
The other thing to consider is what you are modelling about love and relationships to your son by staying. I always ask parents whether they would want their child to be in a relationship like theirs - if the answer is 'no!' (which given what I do is often the case) then why is it good enough for you? And what do you think they are learning from watching you stay?
Only you know what your relationship feels like day to day. And while staying might seem like the ‘right’ thing from the outside, it’s important to think about what’s healthiest and most sustainable for both you and your son.
If you can, try to find support beyond your immediate family too, whether that’s friends, a support group, or someone who can guide you through this. Having even one person who understands can make a big difference. You’re allowed to make decisions based on what’s right for your family, even if others don’t fully understand it yet.
Busting the myth: You don’t need two lawyers
Rosie asked if she and her ex both needed separate lawyers, having already agreed on most things. Kate was quick to debunk this: needing two separate lawyers, or even one, is a myth:
This is a myth I am really keen to bust! You don’t both need lawyers. In fact, if you've been able to reach an agreement together, that's something to be genuinely proud of - it means you've had those conversations and come through the other side. The last thing you want is to bring in two separate lawyers at this stage and risk unpicking what you've already built.
The traditional model of 'one lawyer each' can often make the process quite adversarial, not to mention expensive. But that doesn't have to be the way anymore, and many couples choose to part ways amicably, especially when there are children involved.
What matters now is making sure your agreement is properly formalised. A consent order is what makes your financial agreement legally binding - without one, financial ties between you remain open even after your divorce is finalised, which leaves both of you exposed. So getting that in place is the important next step.
Some people choose to get independent legal advice for reassurance, and that's absolutely fine - but it's a choice, not a requirement, and the court will only approve your order and make it legally binding if it's fair. If it's not they will send it back to you (they can't impose a solution on you if you're doing it by consent).
Services like amicable are built specifically for couples who want to work together - we'll help you formalise what you've agreed, make sure it's fair and legally sound, and do it at a fraction of the cost of two separate solicitors. It's not a shameless plug - it's genuinely what we exist for.
So if things are largely agreed, trust the work you've already done - and focus on getting it properly recorded.
What to do if you're not married
Claire expressed concern about her rights after separating from her partner of 17 years, with whom she has children and a joint mortgage, because they were not married. Kate provided a critical piece of information: there is no such thing as ‘common law marriage’ in the UK:
As a result, unmarried couples do not automatically have the same rights as a married couple when splitting finances. Assets like savings and income are usually looked at based on whose name they are in. If the property is jointly owned, the share depends on whether they own it as "joint tenants" (equal) or "tenants in common" (distinct, separate shares).
So even though you’ve been together a long time and have children, you don’t automatically have the same rights as a married couple when it comes to splitting your finances.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have any options, but it does mean things like the house, savings, and income are usually looked at based on whose name they’re in, rather than being automatically shared.
Sounds like you jointly own the property - so what share you own will depend on whether you own it as "joint tenants" (own the whole property together equally), or "tenants in common" (holding distinct, separate shares - that if unequal would have been specified in a deed when you bought the property).
Where things are different is around your children. You can make an application to remain in the property if you are looking after and housing the children - this usually runs until the youngest reaches the age of 18 or finishes full time secondary education - it wont change how much of the property you own as it's a temporary living arrangement but it may be an option that works well for the family.
Both of you have responsibilities towards the children, and their needs will always be a central part of any decisions. You’re also both equally responsible for providing financial support for your children, regardless of marital status.
Given how long you’ve been together and that you’ve got three children, this is definitely one of those situations where getting structured guidance can really help. Not just on what your rights are, but on what a fair and workable outcome could look like for both of you. You may benefit from having a separation agreement drawn up to outline your financial split.
Navigating co-habitation when you’ve already split
Claire found herself in an increasingly common but very tricky situation, still cohabiting with her ex and children while sorting out finances. Kate advised that creating structure and boundaries within the home is vital for making this transition period manageable:
I had to do this when I divorced with two young children - its tough...and it’s a situation many people find themselves in and it’s not often talked about.
Living under the same roof when you’re separating can be very challenging, even when things are amicable. It’s a lot to navigate emotionally and practically.
A few things to help make this period more manageable
If you can, try to create some structure and boundaries within the home. That might look like agreeing on separate spaces, or having a clear understanding of how you’ll manage day-to-day routines. Even small agreements can help reduce tension. One big one - is sleeping arrangements and bathroom routines - say these things out loud don't expect each other to be mind readers - Is it ok to clean your teeth whilst you ex is the shower now (even if it was before)? Getting those boundaries nailed will make a big difference.
It can also help to have regular, planned check-ins about the practical stuff, rather than letting things build up or spill into everyday moments.
Try to give each other some breathing space too, where possible. That might look like time out of the house or time where you’re not interacting.
And importantly, be kind to yourself. This is a big transition, and it’s natural for it to feel difficult at times.
If you can, having some external support or a structured way of working through decisions can really bring clarity and reduce the pressure on both of you during this period.
And why does it feel like everyone’s getting divorced anyway?!
One community member, aged 45, said it felt like everyone around her was splitting up — was it an epidemic or just a normal life stage? Kate had some interesting insights...
Separation isn’t contagious, but there are certain life stages where more people around you may be going through it. For example we’ve recently seen a rising trend in ‘grey divorce’, a term used to describe the rise in people separating in their late 40s or 50s. We have a blog on grey divorce you may find helpful.
There are lots of reasons for that. People are living longer, which can lead to a natural point of reflection. Many start to think about what they want the next chapter of their life to look like, and whether their current relationship still fits with that.
At the same time, children may be older or becoming more independent, which can also shift the dynamic and give people space to reassess things or feel they can move forward.
In terms of what we see at amicable, there do tend to be certain times of year when we see more enquiries - January for example is often a busier time, as often people come out of the Christmas period with a bit more clarity and considering what they want for their next chapter.
So while it might feel like everyone around you is separating at once, it’s often a mix of life stage and timing rather than a sudden surge.
For more details from the full discussion, you can view the original Q&A here as it happened.
amicable divorce: Your practical guide to divorce without the drama by Kate Daly is out now.
