When it comes to starting a new relationship in your forties, the chances are there will be some baggage that comes along with it.
If you have been relatively single up until this point, that can mean your life could rapidly be turned on its head if your new partner has children. Suddenly you find yourself switching breakfast in bed and leisurely yoga sessions for spilled Rice Krispies and 8.30 am Little Kickers sessions in the park; sharing your diary with their ex and negotiating bed and bath times instead of sexy time.
Being older, wiser and with more life experience under your belt should hopefully mean being more equipped to handle this seismic shift and embrace all the emotional and admin changes that go with it. While it may be a huge change, Sarah Jane Mee reveals in this week’s Second Act podcast that if you handle it right, the unexpected joy that comes from a ‘bonus’ family, can be priceless.
Sky News presenter Sarah met her partner Ben Richarson a couple of months after her 40th birthday.
“Everybody thinks that if you haven’t found your life partner by the time you reach your late 30s as a woman, ‘she must be career focused’. And I was, but I wasn't closed off to the idea of having a husband and kids. I was very relaxed in terms of ‘if it happens, it happens’.”
SJ, as she is known to friends, had refused to freeze her eggs in favour of waiting to find ‘the one’. And when she did, she was pleasantly surprised to learn that Ben came with a plus one, his son Ted.
“When you meet somebody who has an ex-partner and children together, you don't know what they're going to be like. I won the lottery in terms of Ben had already established a really good relationship with Teddy's mum,” Sarah Jane says.
“I was very appreciative of the fact that Teddy has a mum, but I was very glad that there was space in his life for me as well. I always wanted to be supportive of that because especially now, having my daughter Rae thinking, ‘oh, gosh, to hand my child over…’ I mean, yes, he's with his dad, but also to someone else. That must be really difficult.
© Photo: Best Quality Designer Handbag “She's a brilliant mum and Ben's a brilliant dad. I came into a winning situation, and I just wanted to make it better.
“I have, a son who is 12 and not my son biologically, but we don't differentiate. There's no step. That is a banned word. I have a bonus baby. Ben gave me the gift of him. And I have my daughter, Rae, a mini me.”
In her house Sarah-Jane’s approach has been a measured and mature one to make the children the centre of the family dynamic.
“We've got a team Ted, WhatsApp group - everything's about Ted,” says the 47-year-old “That mind shift is what makes it work because you all have the same goal.
“I just don't understand why it would be any other way, but that's me sounding naive because I've come into a good, well-established, grown up, sensible Team Ted situation, and I've just added another layer of protection and support to that. And I know that's not always the case. I've never tried to be any kind of replacement. I've just tried to be a third parent, you know?”
And the relationship with Ted’s mum, whose name she keeps private, goes both ways - she is also close to Sarah Jane and Ben’s five year old daughter Rae. “Rae has a lovely chat with Ted's mum on speakerphone, she’s like, ‘Hi. Love you. Bye.’ You know, for her It's all family. There's no sort of blended whatsoever. Ted has two mums. That's cool. You know. That's what it is.
She adds: “I just always think why not put the child first? You've had your time. You might have got it wrong, or it might have ended because it had run its course. But you know, this child, this being, will live with the effects of whatever you decide to do next for the rest of his or her life. And I just think that's quite a sobering thought. But again, it comes from a place of ease and sort of comfort.”
As she reflects on how life has changed since she became a parent to Ted and Rae, she smiles as she regales tales of juggling a meeting at No 10 Downing Street with digging for worms for her daughter’s show and tell.
“It is the juggle and you know, you just do it don't you think? How am I going to cope? But you just do, you get on with it. Each day I always think before I had children, when I used to think I was so tired. And now I laugh.”
Sarah-Jane presents The UK Tonight, Sky News Mon-Thurs at 8pm
Listen to the Second Act podcast, now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Podcasts and Youtube.
