Married At First Sight star Mel Schilling tragically passed away at 54 on 24 March after a battle with cancer. The relationship coach and psychologist, who hailed from Australia, was a beloved mentor to those appearing on the Channel 4 dating show and the Aussie version on Nine Network, but behind the scenes, she was a devoted mother to her 10-year-old daughter, Maddie.
"To Maddie and me, she was our wee Melsie: an incredible mum, role model, and soulmate," Mel's husband Gareth Brisbane penned on social media, sharing the news of Mel's passing with her fans. "On behalf of our family and her incredible friendship group, thank you for the support from around the world."
© InstagramWhile Maddie and her father, Gareth, navigate their grief in private, we have spoken to HCPC-registered senior education and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall to gain an expert insight into how best to support children who are coming to terms with a loss of this nature.
How children process grief after the death of a parent
Dr Sasha tells us that a child's grief is rarely expressed in a singular emotional state.
"This is sometimes described as puddle jumping, where a child may be very sad one moment and then return to play or everyday activities the next," she explains. "This is a healthy and protective process that helps them manage overwhelming feelings in smaller, more manageable parts."
© InstagramThe psychologist also explains that a child's understanding of death develops over time. "From around seven years onwards, children usually understand death as final and biological," she explains in the case of Maddie.
"Grief is not only expressed through words. It is often seen in behaviour, play and physical responses. Children may revisit their grief repeatedly as they grow, making sense of the loss in new ways at different developmental stages."
How to support a grieving child as a grieving parent
No one will understand a child's emotions better than her father, but of course, fathers in the position of Gareth find themselves navigating grief of their own.
© Instagram"Children are best supported by an attuned adult who is emotionally available, even if that adult is grieving themselves. It is important that the child can still experience the adult as a source of safety and stability," Dr Sasha tells us.
"Showing sadness is appropriate, but the child should not feel responsible for managing the adult’s emotions." The child psychologist explains that using clear, simple and honest language is important. She gives the example of words such as 'died' and 'death' that help children understand what has happened, as euphemisms can create confusion.
© Instagram"Naming and normalising feelings can support emotional expression. Saying it is okay to feel sad, angry or confused helps children understand that their responses are valid. Children should not be pressured to talk before they are ready."
She adds that predictable routines such as school, mealtimes and bedtime provide a sense of security. "Alongside this, maintaining connection through stories, photos and shared memories supports an ongoing bond with the parent who has died," Dr Sasha adds.
How to support a child whose parent was in the public eye
In the case of Gareth and Maddie, there is the nuance of navigating the loss of someone with a public profile. Following the announcement of Mel's death on Tuesday, an outpouring of love for the late TV star showered social media, including fond memories from those who spent time with Mel and pictures from personal albums.
© Getty Images"When a parent has been in the public eye, a child’s grief can feel more exposed," Dr Sasha explains. "They may become aware of other people’s reactions, tributes and memories, which can be difficult to process alongside their own experience."
The psychologist tells us that it can be helpful for the surviving adult to manage the child’s exposure to media and online content: "This supports the child to engage with information at a level that feels manageable.
"Children benefit from understanding that different people knew their parents in different ways, while also feeling that their own relationship is unique and important. Creating private spaces for remembering, alongside everyday routines, helps maintain a sense of safety and normality."
Navigating public tributes to a parent after death
Dr Sasha also tells us that widespread recognition of a parent can intensify a child’s experience of loss. She says: "Frequent reminders through conversations, media or public tributes may bring the grief back into focus at unexpected times.
© Instagram"There can also be a sense that the parent is shared with others, which may feel confusing for a child who is trying to hold onto their own personal relationship. At times, this may create pressure around how they feel or respond."
That said, the psychologist also highlights that at the same time, public recognition can also offer a sense of pride and connection as the child grows. "With the support of a consistent and attuned adult, the child can be helped to integrate both their private memories and the wider recognition of their parent in a way that feels manageable."
