When I grow up, I’d like to be the kind of woman who taps their debit card without a little bit of a sick feeling in their stomach or doesn’t have a constant vigilance on their banking app and what minus number is in there.
But I’m 41, so I need to let go of the idea there’s going to be a grown up me somewhere, swanning around Selfridges with a Gold Card instead of popping into Primark when the kids inevitably grow out of their school shoes again. But I’m struggling to give it up.
It’s important to say I’m extremely privileged in that I have a home and a fridge with food in it. But I’m becoming increasingly aware that as my body hits midlife in a world that’s been in a financial crisis all my working life, my mind is somewhere else. My mind is a teenager living in the early ‘Things Will Only Get Better’ years expecting that when I’m older I’ll be flush. At best, it’s a 20-something living off credit cards and presuming that because I’m working so hard, one day I won’t be waiting for pay day six days after the last one.
Midlife finances just aren’t what I thought they’d be when I was younger and look vastly different to what I saw in my parents’ lives. Sure, my kids now have no idea of what my debit account holds (if my daughter’s £8.99 magazine obsession is anything to go by), so maybe I just didn’t have any knowledge of what was going on in my parents’ accounts - or their brains at 3am. And I guess that also applies to friends or people you follow on instagram, who seem to be spending a real-life disposable income constantly.
Still it’s accepted that the boomer generation did have it better - lower housing prices, final salary pensions, no-one knowing who the Lehman Brothers were… It all added up to a better standard of living and savings, often with just one breadwinner. Now my husband and I work full-time and probably will for another three decades. Yet I always feel like, day to day, I’m desperately treading water to catch up, re-finding spreadsheets and ‘moving things around’ only to be hit by an unexpected tidal wave of a bill. But at least connecting with other women has made me feel I’m not alone.
"I always thought I’d be comfortable financially the same way my parents were at my age but that really isn’t the case," says Rebecca, a 41-year-old single mum. "Finances scare me, living pay day to pay day not knowing if I can afford the basics like bills and food never mind when an unexpected bill comes up. Everything keeps going up and up in price and I just don’t know how we are supposed to keep up."
It’s not necessarily even about the actual figures in the bank, it’s a constant feeling that we’re not ‘sorted’ and never will be. I thought all the hard work would’ve given me time to stand still a bit (possibly with a little money purse in hand). But no, I feel like I’m still chasing, not a finish line, but at least a place where I can enjoy a walking pace and can breathe a bit easier.
Belinda, a headteacher in her 40s agrees: "I definitely can’t cry poverty, but my partner and I talk all the time about not being as flush as we thought we’d be at this age. We have a nice life, but there’s no spare cash and saving feels impossible. Being at the top of the game in our profession means we can’t really increase our wages. It makes me think, why will it be any different in my 50s? I’m not bad with money at all, I thought at 40 we’d be able to do things like book holidays wherever we liked anywhere in the world, but instead we’re still shopping around for cheap deals."
Headlines used to decry Millennials and Gen X-ers for spending their money on Pret and avocado instead of house deposits. Perhaps those same people would think that if there are holidays to be had, what are we even moaning about? Well it’s more about a lost expectation or life stage we’re starting to grieve.
As Chloe*, a journalist puts it, "I remember imagining my fortieth party and thinking I’d have cater waiters and a long ball gown, and it's far from that. In some ways it stresses me out, particularly because our industry is so volatile and I feel I've put 20 years into a career that's crumbling around me... But I try to focus on what I do have, which is A LOT of fun. I'm also lucky as I don't have kids and no one relying on me and can joke about stuff like having to shoplift my lunch and see it as part of the memoirs! But obviously life would be a lot easier if I won the lottery."
Monica* a 53-year-old single parent also refuses to let her financial position bring feelings of shame. She remembers constantly being allowed to borrow in her 30s - a recent mortgage application made her realise "how undesirable I appeared to lenders" now, leading to huge monthly payments.
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"After I paid my tax bill, I was waiting for invoices to be paid and I had to use the kids' Christmas money to buy petrol, which is something I never saw myself doing," she says. "That felt like a real low, but actually things could be worse. I feel no sense of shame. It’s more like, this is just what life is like. I’m really happy to have a lovely safe home and healthy kids. I also think it's good for them to be alive to the realities of life and income and sometimes needing to be frugal."
Midlife Money Coach, Keris Fox has a Substack newsletter called The Ladybird Purse, where she interviews women about their finances and agrees. "I am very anti money shame - most of us are doing the best we can in difficult circumstances, and it thrives in secrecy," she says. "I get so many messages from women who thought they were alone in feeling like they’re bad with money, or behind, or worrying they’ll never get where they want to be."
Katie Donegan runs The Rebel Finance School, a free online course aiming to educate people on wealth for free, after she made enough to retire at 35. She regularly sees the midlife money panic of women. "Many women in their 40s and 50s feel like they “should” be further ahead financially, especially when comparing themselves with their parents’ generation," she says. "But today’s world is completely different – gone are the jobs for life and final salary pensions for most people. The old milestones often don’t apply anymore."
"The most important mindset shift is this: it’s never too late to turn things around. We see people transform their finances at every age. Just start from where you are. A few small steps can make an enormous difference. It might be too late to retire at 35 but you can always improve your finances no matter your starting age. I recently helped a 72 year old make her first investment."
Keris adds it’s "important to remember that the old life script - education, secure job or career, mortgage, retirement - no longer matches reality for most people" adding, "so often we blame ourselves for not keeping up when in reality the game has changed."
In interviewing lots of women, she’s realised behind the gloss, many of us are actually financially precarious, so don’t compare yourself with others. Instead, she offers a mindset change: ‘It’s important to focus on your own definition of enough.’
Midlife money coach Keris’ advice for easing the midlife money panic
Think about what amount of savings you would need before you could relax, even a little, and start working towards that. It might take months, it might take years, but in my experience even knowing you have a little put away can help. (And don’t beat yourself up if you need to take it back out again - that’s what it’s for!)
Avoidance increases anxiety, so do try to look at your numbers. I have a spreadsheet that I update monthly and I look forward to doing it. Even when the figures are not where I’d like them to be, I still feel better knowing. If you're struggling with credit card debt, don't be afraid to call the companies - often they'll freeze payments and/or interest for short-term relief and some will set up an affordable payment plan over a longer term.
Check if you’re entitled to any support. This could include pension credits, childcare support, council tax reductions, workplace benefits. Don’t be embarrassed to accept available help - that’s what it’s for.
Finance expert Katie Donegan’s advice for easing midlife money panic
Get clarity, track your spending for a month to truly see where your money is going. Most people are shocked – and relieved – to discover they have more control than they realised.
Build a small emergency fund, even £20 at a time, aiming to get to £1,000 initially. Momentum matters more than perfection. This protects you from having to go into debt at high interest rates when unexpected expenses and problems happen.
Simplify things. High fees, unused subscriptions and expensive debt quietly drain wealth. Tidying these up can give you an immediate pay rise without changing your lifestyle.
Learn about investing. And if investing feels intimidating, remember you don’t need to become an expert overnight – learning the basics of low-cost, long‑term investing can be life‑changing. There is a huge fear of investing and losing money but it is actually far simpler than you think. Just buying one simple global index fund like the Vanguard FTSE Global all cap and holding over the long term can turn your finances around.
Don’t argue for your limitations. We meet so many people who believe they’ve ‘missed their chance’. The truth is, you can make meaningful progress in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. You have decades ahead of you, you're not investing until you retire, you are investing until you expire – and future you will thank you for every small step you take today.
