As a somewhat shambolic middle-aged woman who’s been through a spectacularly awful divorce, a series of big, hard life events — including the grief of losing my mother — and then an unexpected, uplifting transformation, all in the space of six years, I’ve learned a lot about what it really means to be “strong.”
This has come both from the women who have supported me and from confronting some pretty hard truths about myself. Surprisingly, what I now understand as strength is drastically different to what I had known before my life blew up in March 2020.
Before my big life change, I had always thought that being a strong woman meant you were able to just battle through anything, not let worries get you down, rise above the bulls**t, manage your life and family — and also eat enough protein and get those pilates sessions done. Spoiler alert, this is not being strong, this is being a robot from another planet. While this may seem like strength, what I have discovered is that actually being vulnerable, asking for help, being deeply honest and acknowledging and owning your own s**t, is where real strength lies.
Gathering wisdom
In the past few years as a podcaster and comedian, and since my messy breakdown, I’ve been fortunate enough to know and meet women who have taught me about the strength of kindness, honesty, love, softness and the importance of sitting in your brokenness. In fact, I’ve just published a book about what I have learnt from them, called, How to Face Be Change and Come Back Stronger. I wanted to gather all the wisdom and words of advice from many women who have walked the hardest paths, and give it back to others as a road map and guidebook.
One of the most impressive women I have met is Suzanne Keatley who founded the all-women gym Fitology Hub in south London. It is a place I have gone to do strength training and yes, my body has got physically stronger there, but I have built much more than just muscle. Suzanne taught me about slowing down, breathing, rest and listening to my body. Suzanne is a trainer and also an unofficial therapist and sees the transformation of women every day. I have learnt that strength training goes beyond deadlifts and reps, it is about rebuilding confidence, self belief and giving women the space to be powerful and focus on themselves. Plus you also feel unstoppable after a session — this should be prescribed on the NHS for every perimenopausal woman!
Another important lesson about strength I have learnt was from women who have faced cancer and serious health conditions. When I interviewed Rosamund Dean and Emma Campbell, who have both had breast cancer diagnosis and treatments, they told me that everyone around them thought they were coping and that they were being so strong. However, most of the time, it was the complete opposite to how they felt. What other choice did they have but to keep going, they told me. There were days when they didn’t want to face chemotherapy and be brave. I learnt their strength came from asking for help, for saying they weren’t coping, and for holding onto the people who mattered. When you are in your darkest days, your friends and loved ones show you their true colours, and strength also comes from letting some of these people go, too.
Holding onto your values and knowing who you are is one of the greatest strengths I have discovered, both while going through hard things, but also while writing and researching my book. The brilliant Karen Arthur, who is the powerhouse behind the Menopause Whilst Black podcast, taught me a lot about coming into your power later in life. She also taught me that finding your purpose and your voice and using it for change is a massive strength. And that standing up for others shows the greatest courage.
Facing your demons
Facing your own demons and overcoming addictions and the things that numb and distract you is also something that shows great strength. Two women who taught me a lot about this were my friend, Cat Sims, who has shared her journey to sobriety, and shown strength by redefining who she was and her identity, along with the wonderful Stephanie Chivers, the woman behind Women Who Don’t Drink. Both inspire and help others on their own paths to becoming alcohol free. It took strength for them both to change their lives, and also to share their stories of surviving and thriving.
One of the things that Cat told me when I interviewed her for my book was, ‘I’d always mistaken peace for boredom and chaos for excitement, and now I realise calm isn’t boring, it’s peaceful.’ This act of allowing yourself to find peace and slow down, when you’re used to life being constantly thrown upside down, takes a lot of strength, as our bodies and brains get used to drama, and being still can be confronting and uncomfortable. I know this is something I struggle with and need to be stronger at. I will get there, one day.
© Matt StrongeFinally, I want to acknowledge the strength of female friendship and holding onto people when they are broken and going through the toughest times. I am very lucky that I have had my friend Ellie Gibson, my fellow Scummy Mummies comedy partner and champion, with me every step of the way. It isn’t easy being by somebody’s side when they are spiralling and in pain, but strong women turn up for you, and are just there, not with the answers, not with a magical pill, but standing beside you when you fall, and staying with you when you get up again and start to shine. They are there for the mistakes and the successes. That strength in a friendship is an almighty powerful thing to have.
Over the past few years, I have witnessed an abundance of strength from the women around me and those who I have been fortunate enough to interview for How to Face Big Change. I am glad that my understanding and perception of what strong means has been challenged and changed. Throughout this time, I think the most important lesson I have learnt is that the more I lean into my own vulnerability, face discomfort and confront big feelings, the stronger my relationships become — especially with myself. It was through allowing myself to break, that I ultimately found out who I was and what I was capable of achieving.
How to Face Big Change and Come Back Stronger is out now.
