Women don’t give up sex when we get old; we get old when we give up sex. I am so busy putting the sex into sexagenarian it’s a miracle I’ve got vertical to write this to you.
The best things in life really are free; walking, talking, laughing, dancing, oxygen and orgasms. Orgasms are actually a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Medical scientists maintain that having sex is good for your memory… sorry, what was I saying again? No seriously, I will never forget what these doctors have discovered - namely that people who have regular orgasms score on average two percentage points higher on cognitive tasks.
© Dave Benett/Getty ImagesApart from being good for your health, sex is just such fun. The female orgasm is more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But in my experience, female orgasms get longer and stronger as we age.
Why? Well, good sex is about being relaxed in your skin and, post 50, a lovely, liberating effect takes hold. Women are brought up to be decorative and demure, but post menopause, we no longer care what people think about us. The trouble in many relationships is not women faking orgasm but men faking foreplay. Unfortunately some blokes need to be reminded that “mutual orgasm” is not an insurance company. Well, women my age know not just what we want, but we aren’t afraid to ask for it.
Having cut the psychological umbilical cord that has kept us tethered to the kitchen by our heart and apron strings, we can also put ourselves first for the first time in our lives. No period cramps, no pregnancy scares and with all that tampon money to spend – no wonder women in our sixties — sorry, our sexties — are having better orgasms!
Of course, in any long-term relationship, sexual ennui can set in. For many of my married friends being ‘creative in bed’ means knitting while watching Newsnight. The Pope will soon be ringing them up for tips on celibacy. If it weren’t for cycling over cobblestones some of my gal pals would have no sex life at all. But don’t stop trying! Sex in a marriage is like when it slips your mind that you’ve put your windscreen wipers on intermittent. You’ve forgotten all about it and then – whoosh!
If widowed or divorced, it’s time to put a new man on your menu. Yes, it can be nerve wracking getting naked in front of a fella for the first time, but don’t forget, he’s probably nervous too. Just install a dimmer switch – greatest sex aid known to human kind, and keep the lights low. Love is blind, after all.
In my latest novel, “The Sisterhood Rules”, two estranged sisters are forced to come back together when their 69 year old mother, Nicole, goes missing. The sisters haven’t spoken for five years – ever since Verity stole Izzy’s husband. Rushing to their mother’s house, they find brochures for pancreatic cancer and a Dignitas Clinic and promptly track their mother down to a hotel in the Swiss alps.
Hearing drums in the woods they suspect some kind of end-of-life ritual and bash down through the trees…only to find their mother dancing naked around a fire pit with a 39 year old alpine horn player. Nicole maintains that the best way not to feel old… is to feel a man 30 years your junior every night. Her motto? Never put off till tomorrow… anyone you could be doing today.
© Alan Chapman/Dave Benett/Getty IConvinced that their mother is being duped by a gold digger, the warring sisters have no choice but to join forces to discredit him. But is Gawain a con man? Why can’t women in their sixties attract a younger man and enjoy carnal adventures without the sanctimonious judgement of their progeny and society in general? How often is Brigitte Macron derided for the 24 year age gap with her husband – when the same gap between Donald and Melania Trump doesn’t even raise a brow?
But no matter who you choose to take to bed, sex is one of life’s great joys. And the best is yet to come – literally. Forget your chequered past, what you need is a chequered present. So, go grab a partner and explain that you need to slip into something more comfortable - like each other. And it will be oh, OH!! OHHH! What a feeling!
Kathy Lette’s latest novel, The Sisterhood Rules, celebrates women having a sensational second act.
