Whether it's while you're standing at the school gates or waiting in line at the supermarket, there are many times throughout the day where people might try and make small talk with you, but what if exchanging pleasantries or commentary on the weather doesn't just make you feel a bit socially awkward, but downright drained?
There are lots of reasons why small talk could be draining, from the context to your mood, and according to a psychologist, it could also say a lot about your personality type. To understand more about which personality types might find small talk more draining, and how you can make it feel more comfortable, we caught up with Dr Rebecca Ker, a HCPC-registered psychologist at Carlton Psychology.
© Getty Images/iStockphotoWhat being drained by small talk says about your personality
Firstly, you're not alone if you struggle with small talk from time-to-time, as Dr Ker explains: "Lots of people might feel drained by small talk at some time. Fluctuations in our willingness to engage in small talk will relate to things like motivation and comfort. If we are feeling anxious or rushed, it might feel more draining.
"Small talk often involves conversing with people with whom you are not yet familiar, or someone you haven’t seen for a while. The fear of being judged can be higher in this context, and worries about making a faux pas or saying something embarrassing can feel more present."
Meanwhile, there are some people who may be more likely to experience these worries. "Individuals who are not feeling confident or are experiencing social anxiety will feel this more acutely. Small talk often happens in loud social settings: if you’re introverted or easily overstimulated, it’s draining by default," the psychologist shares.
Is small talk harder for neurodivergent people?
Small talk may also be more challenging or draining for neurodivergent people, according to the psychologist. "There are some neurotypes who might find small talk more draining than others might. For example, ADHDers might find surface-level small talk less interesting than deeper conversation and may have to work hard to not zone out. They might be conscious that they sometimes interrupt others when they get an idea, and be working hard to not interrupt the person they are talking to," Dr Ker shares.
Meanwhile, for autistic people, small talk may present different challenges. "Autistic individuals sometimes prefer interest-based conversations or more meaningful encounters. Differences in processing social cues can contribute to differences in preferences for small talk. For some, small talk involves a lot of thinking rather than being an instinctive process. It therefore costs more energy and is less enjoyable," she explains.
© Getty Images"We talk about 'masking' (essentially working hard to camouflage or perform as a neurotypical person would). Small talk whilst actively thinking about things like how much eye contact to make, how often to move your hands or body, if you have asked enough questions, etc., is a lot of work."
How to make small talk more comfortable?
With time and a deeper understanding of your personality, Dr Ker says you can learn what makes small talk more comfortable for you. "Finding small talk draining might be indicative of several things, such as the context, your mood, your wiring or a preference for deeper connections. Often, as we get older, we learn more about what makes us comfortable and the type of social interaction we enjoy or feel willing to invest in."
