Building healthy relationships starts with the one you have with yourself. But is that easier said than done?
All too often, we only realise in hindsight that we’ve been neglecting our own needs - struggling with low self-esteem and side-lining the vital importance of self-care. It's a common pitfall, but one we really ought to address to avoid burnout. To dive deeper into how we can turn things around, we spoke with Patricia Expósito, a psychologist and author specialising in self-esteem, attachment and trauma.
Do you think we're finally giving self-care and self-esteem the attention they deserve?
"In recent years, there’s been a real shift in how we talk about self-care and self-worth. That said, we still live in a culture that prizes productivity and keeping up appearances above all else. We often forget to look after our mental and emotional health until things reach a breaking point. I think we're still very much in the process of learning how to actually weave these concepts into the fabric of our daily lives."
What do you see as the biggest hurdles standing in the way of people improving their self-esteem?
"The most common obstacles are those limiting beliefs we carry; thoughts like 'I'm not good enough', alongside a fear of rejection. Many people also struggle because they haven't been given the right toolkit to manage their emotions.
"Then there's perfectionism and that constant stream of criticism, both from the world around us and from our own inner critic.
"If you grew up in an environment where looking after everyone else was prized above looking after yourself, setting a healthy boundary can actually feel like an act of betrayal"
"Another major barrier is a lack of self-compassion; so many of us don't give ourselves permission to make mistakes or be vulnerable, which makes true self-acceptance difficult."
Are we at risk of swinging too far toward individualism, where the "I" always comes before the "we"?
"I think that in a world that's becoming increasingly fast-paced and interconnected, we've lost sight of the fact that we have to look after ourselves first if we're ever going to be of any use to others. Saying you're going to prioritise yourself isn't about being selfish; it's an act of self-compassion. It actually allows us to show up better in our relationships, whether that's at home or in the workplace."
© Getty ImagesWhy do some people seem to have loads of self-confidence without even trying, while others really struggle?
"Self-esteem is deeply shaped by factors like our upbringing, our earliest experiences and the role models we grew up with. People who received validation, unconditional love and consistent support as children tend to develop a much sturdier sense of self. On top of that, some people may also have a genetic head start - that is, a natural predisposition toward confidence or a higher threshold for stress, both of which help to maintain a positive self-image. That said, even those who start off on solid ground can face challenges, and therapy is a fantastic tool for reinforcing that foundation."
So are we born with self-esteem, or is it something we pick up along the way?
"Our sense of self-worth actually starts to take shape in childhood. It's heavily influenced by how those around us see us, and we continue to mould it as we go through different life experiences. But it can also ebb and flow depending on what life throws at us. So, it’s definitely something that's built over time, rather than something we're simply born with."
"Children who grow up in a supportive environment - where both achievements and mistakes are steered in a healthy way, their needs are met, and they feel safe expressing their emotions - tend to develop a much more positive sense of self-esteem"
What are the key things that shape our self-esteem when we’re growing up?
"From a very young age, the way the adults around us see us - especially our parents or primary caregivers - plays a massive role. Having that sense of validation, being accepted for who we are, and receiving unconditional love is absolutely vital, as is having a good model for how to handle our emotions.
"Our early successes and failures, and the way we’re taught to navigate our feelings, are also determining factors. Children who grow up in a supportive environment - where both achievements and mistakes are steered in a healthy way, their needs are met, and they feel safe expressing their emotions - tend to develop a much more positive sense of self-esteem."
© Getty ImagesWhy are we often so hard on ourselves - sometimes to the point of being downright unkind?
"Being overly self-critical often stems from a drive for perfection, or from having internalised critical voices from our childhood or past experiences. We tend to set ourselves impossible standards, which inevitably leads to frustration and a constant inner monologue of self-reproach. There's also the fear of failing - including the dread of letting down our family or society - which can make that inner critic even louder.
More and more of us recognise that setting boundaries is vital, yet it still feels like such a mountain to climb. Why is it so difficult?
"Drawing a line can be tough for several reasons, such as a fear of being rejected or left behind, a deep-seated urge to please others, or simply the worry that we'll be seen as selfish.
"If you grew up in an environment where looking after everyone else was prized above looking after yourself, setting a healthy boundary can actually feel like an act of betrayal. A lack of practice and low self-esteem also play their part; when we don't value ourselves, we naturally tend to put everyone else's needs before our own."
© Getty ImagesWhat are the tell-tale signs that someone is struggling with low self-esteem?
"The most common red flags include constantly measuring ourselves against others and a nagging sense of being not quite enough. People often find it impossible to take a compliment, relying instead on a constant stream of external validation to feel okay.
"There's also a tendency to shy away from new challenges for fear of failing. It's very common to be trapped in a loop of negative self-talk, and to find it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries in relationships."
About the expert:
Psychologist Patricia Expósito is the author of the self-help book Autoestímate: Lo Urgente Eres Tú (Esteem Yourself: You're the Priority).
