You may have noticed it for yourself: there are people who lack empathy and thrive on manipulation. It's something we all need to watch out for, because these types of people often prey on generous, sensitive souls who haven't yet built up their guard.
This is the warning from leading psychologist María Jesús Álava Reyes that you may want to pay attention to if you're in this situation. In this insightful Q&A, the mental health expert and author offers us her top tips for reclaiming your emotional well-being in the face of a manipulator.
You've written about how easy it is to manipulate someone's emotions. How can we actually tell when it’s happening to us?
"It's rarely straightforward. You should start on your guard the moment you feel slightly coerced; perhaps you're being nudged to do something that feels out of character or uncomfortable.
"Paradoxically, you should also be wary if someone is suddenly making you feel incredibly special in a way that feels a bit 'off'. That’s when the alarm bells should start ringing.
"Essentially, a manipulator almost always starts with flattery. They’ll say exactly what you want to hear to get you to lower your guard; that's their way in. There are several red flags to look out for:
- Once you've opened yourself up, they might start pressuring you into adopting beliefs you don't actually hold.
- They might begin to belittle you, chip away at your confidence or even try to isolate you from your friends and family.
- Watch out for when they start putting words in your mouth or claiming you said things you didn't. That is classic manipulation.
- Be cautious when someone plays on your emotions by 'over-praising' you. They may be just telling you what they know will make you feel good."
© Getty ImagesHow can we protect ourselves from being manipulated?
"It starts with being far more vigilant than we usually are because, as a rule, we tend to be a bit too trusting. The key is to start questioning things. If you feel someone is beginning to pressure you, or if they stop respecting your opinions and values, you need to be vigilant.
"Manipulation is often a learned behaviour... Many people manipulate simply because they grew up with that model and saw that it worked"
"The most effective manipulators are those who try their hardest to isolate you. They usually follow a predictable pattern: first, they lay the flattery on thick to win you over, but then they pivot to 'punishing' you or belittling you.
"You have to be extremely careful with people who blow hot and cold, making you feel on top of the world one moment and worthless the next. If being with someone feels like an emotional rollercoaster, treat it with extreme suspicion; they are almost certainly manipulating you.
© Getty ImagesThe profile of a manipulator seems very similar to that of a perpetrator of domestic abuse, whether that's physical or psychological.
"Manipulation is, without question, a form of abuse. There is a clear pattern here: manipulators are incredibly adept at sniffing out their targets. They look for people who are kind-hearted and perhaps too trusting. The more generous and empathetic you are, the more vulnerable you become to this.
"Manipulators see a person's need to help others as a weakness, thinking, 'This is an easy way in.' They rarely target people who are extremely selfish or thick-skinned. They almost always follow the same playbook: they start by making you feel really good, only to turn around and start chipping away at you."
You suggest we shouldn't be too trusting when dealing with people who lack empathy or sensitivity. How do we actually put that into practice?
"First, we have to be clear about one fact: some people simply do not have a moral compass or any real empathy. How do you spot them? Well, look for people who seem performative. It's as if their whole life is a bit of an act. You'll notice they talk about others with a complete lack of feeling. They don't feel bad, even when they are being openly cruel…
"What we also have to be clear about is that there are people who simply behave this way - we mustn't make excuses for them. Don't assume they're just having an off-day or going through a rough patch. This is who they are, and if you pay attention to their behaviour over time, you’ll see the pattern. What happens is that you usually can't bring yourself to believe how far they will go - but in reality, they have no boundaries."
© Getty Images/iStockphotoIs emotional manipulation always a conscious choice, or can people do it without even realising?
"It's often a learned behaviour. Many people manipulate simply because they grew up with that model and saw that it worked. Children, for instance, are master manipulators. They are incredibly observant; they quickly realise that putting on a sad face gets them off the hook much faster.
"Teenagers might start saying hurtful things to their parents to get their way, claiming they're 'always picking on them' or 'love their siblings more'. In these cases, it’s a bit of both: it's intentional, yet it has become almost second nature to them.
"A manipulator - consciously or not - is always looking for an advantage"
"Then you have those who spend their lives playing the victim. Do they do it on purpose? Not necessarily; they do it because it makes them feel powerful and, ultimately, it gets results. Are there people who manipulate without even realising they're doing it? Yes, but a manipulator - consciously or not - is always looking for an advantage."
You state that "life starts over each day" and that our physical and mental well-being is ultimately down to us. How can we actually secure that well-being for ourselves?
"It starts by refusing to settle. I often hear people say, 'I can't feel good right now because of my current situation,' but I always tell them that our circumstances carry far less weight than we think. Two people can face the exact same challenges, yet one feels fine and the other feels miserable. The difference is attitude.
© Getty Images"If you adopt the mindset that 'I refuse to let a single day pass without truly living it, because once a day is gone, it’s gone for good', then you'll have the daily grind, but you also make sure you're actually living your life.
"And what does 'living' really mean? It's about finding joy in the small, everyday things. It's about self-love - which really means being kind to yourself and your inner voice - and looking after yourself, especially when you're feeling a bit fragile. It’s about giving yourself the confidence and security you deserve.
"Take the helm of your own life - ask, 'How am I going to enjoy today?' Maybe that’s by helping someone else, or maybe it’s just watching a series, singing a song or getting lost in a book. We have to carve out time for ourselves. We have to see life as a gift to be enjoyed, rather than a slog to be endured.
In what way can psychology actually change our lives?
"If we put psychological principles into practice in our daily lives, the world looks very different…. If we want to be consistent, we have to start with ourselves. That means checking in with ourselves when things are going well and asking why - really unpacking that positive state. And, importantly, doing the exact same thing when we’re struggling…
© Getty Images"There are a series of principles in psychology to help us understand ourselves, but more importantly, they help us bring out the best in ourselves and develop genuine self-love. From the moment we’re born until the day we die, no one is by our side as much as we are. Yet, we're never taught how to be our own best friend. A best friend, meaning someone who speaks kindly to you, encourages you and provides a sense of security. Psychology gives us the roadmap to becoming that person for ourselves.
"It also teaches us how to spot manipulative people and, once we've seen through them, how to neutralise their tactics so we don't fall into their traps."
About the expert:
Psychologist María Jesús Álava Reyes is president of Apertia-Consulting and of the University Foundation for the Development of Psychology and Research, and director of the Álava Reyes Psychology Centre and the Institute of Psychological and Social Well-being. She is a popular TV psychologist in Spain and is author of the Spanish-language book, Que nadie manipule tus emociones (Don't Let Anyone Manipulate Your Emotions).
